Letting go can be such a hard thing to do sometimes. But, it seems that when the notion to leave or let go comes to you then perhaps that’s exactly what’s to be done. For some time now I’ve been struggling with feelings and wants about one particular relationship. It isn’t how I would want it ideally and I seem to want more than is being offered. And I feel bad through it all and even feel myself becoming all the ugly things. It’s all there however; the friendship, the care, the love, the companionship but there is one thing missing – the commitment to the boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.
At the same time I’ve been trying this climb. I enjoy it thoroughly; it’s aesthetic, good rock, good movement, technical, hard and it has my interest. I’ve got the first part completely dialed, so much so that it hardly takes effort to reach the first anchors. That in itself feels really good. Then comes the middle section, it starts off of and then come a few moves of incredibly hard bear hugging to a smearing, heel hooking, dead point to a dime edge. This move eludes me. I’ve stuck it once, once out of countless tries. I can see it sometimes and others I feel at a loss for what to do. The rest of the route follows in similar style to the first part, with not too much issue. So, all in all I;ve done the entire route except for ONE move.
Yesterday I went there optimistic, hopeful, wanting. I got to the middle section and I couldn’t get it. It felt impossible, unlikely, not for me. My leg slipped and I slammed my knee into the arete. I cried, I yelled, I screamed. I felt lost, hopeless and after several attempts of getting now where I lowered to the ground. Feeling defeated as I took of my shoes and wondered.
Perhaps I will never get that move. Perhaps it’s not meant for me. I decided to let it go. I realized that the harder I hold on to the idea of doing it the harder I will make it for myself. I will continue to go to the climb but I will use it as a trainer physically and mentally. It’s not about doing it anymore, it’s about enjoying it for what it does give me.
In this understanding I see the relationship, too. It is the same. It’s all there except one part and I can no longer try and force that part. I can only let it go and take it for what it is. I’m letting go.
October 30th, 2009 at 11:35 pm
Poignant, succinct writing, Katie – I almost felt the decision! Excellent!